My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
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Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
plums roundup
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*