My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..


At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.


I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops


Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.


Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day


My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.


GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad


Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.