@ColoradoUgly

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

You Might Also Like

@stpeteyontweety

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

@JennyJohnsonHi5

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

@duchesskk

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

@autocorrects

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@ChicksRule

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

@bengulate

My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.