My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
live long and prosper!
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again