@ColoradoUgly

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

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@realHamOnWry

I have to admit that while kids are a great gift I still prefer to play with the box they came in.

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@CrockettForReal

Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey

Him: that’s neat

Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool

@Mom_Overboard

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

@TheBoydP

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

@k_lli

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

@TheBoydP

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

@SoVeryBritish

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue