Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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5 year plan?
I havent even planned this sentence volcano.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My husband has a sore throat…send an ambulance