My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

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some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon


Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.


On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.


Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.


When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”


I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”


I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops


(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace