@ColoradoUgly

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

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@Kristen_Arnett

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

@thevirtualidiot

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

@FilthyRichmond

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

@mxmclain

When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”

@3sunzzz

I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”

@mayainthemoment

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

@hardlyrelevant

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace