My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*watches the world burn*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.