@JustBeingEmma

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

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@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@flashember

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

@FattMernandez

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

@Ennui_Raver

If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.

@WouldbeAllen

Midwife: It’s a boy, ma’am.

Mrs Dickens: Edward. Edward’s a nice name, isn’t it, dear?

Dickens: LET’S CALL HIM OPPROBRIOUS FRILLYBOCKER

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

@pattymo

Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music