My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.