BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If you’re such a powerful warlock, why do you have diabetes.
Midwife: It’s a boy, ma’am.
Mrs Dickens: Edward. Edward’s a nice name, isn’t it, dear?
Dickens: LET’S CALL HIM OPPROBRIOUS FRILLYBOCKER
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn’t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
I just saw 125 spf sunblock. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music