My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
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I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”