My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT