My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement