Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Vampire: What is this?
Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-
Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)