@Marlebean

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

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@ThaJawn

Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-

Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!

@Staggfilms

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

@ObscureGent

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

@KeetPotato

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@garrydavenport

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

@Ygrene

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)