Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.