@thepamilerin

My mum entered my room &found me asleep. She Walked closer, caressed my hair & slapped my face saying ‘ur last seen on whatsApp was 1min ago

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@CrystalMoon214

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

@gvicks

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

@daemonic3

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@david8hughes

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@t0shiba

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

@jake_likes_naps

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

@Book_Krazy

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY