People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
My mum has a PhD on Corona Virus from WhatsApp University
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The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.