“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My mum has a PhD on Corona Virus from WhatsApp University
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throwin a party tonight
raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.