Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@JohnLyonTweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@HomeProbably

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!

Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?

Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ

@Parkerlawyer

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

@FauxFawx

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

@Queen_Sassy_AF

At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.

@heatherlou_

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

@trojansauce

[first day in the mafia]
ME: *bursts in out of breath* STOP!
BOSS: what
ME: i just found out that this is *whispers* illegal

@TheFunnyWorId

Wanna talk about Sodium?
Na

Nitric Oxide?
NO

Oxygen Magnesium Phosphorus Iodine Sulfur or Fluorine?
OMg PISS OFF

…Potassium?
K

@secondofhername

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners