My mum has a PhD on Corona Virus from WhatsApp University

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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.


The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.


KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”


CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid


I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”



Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG


Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*


10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny


My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.