@brownandboujiee
@markleggett
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
You Might Also Like
@markleggett
@Neauxpe
The last time I wore a red shirt, I went to Target and laid off 8 people in the morning team huddle.
@truegritrumble
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
@UncleDuke1969
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
@AndyAsAdjective
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
@BillFienberg
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
@xysist
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
@Kyle_Lippert
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
@joeheenan
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
@shahrouzt
My dad recently fell for one of those Nigerian prince scam emails. I feel bad for him but I really needed the money.