[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
How to wake up a Beagle
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit