My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
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mumsnet is amazing
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.