Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
i did the math
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.