“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
You Might Also Like
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My last name is Zilla.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
The human personality is made of five key elements
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My patronus is a cheeseburger
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Choose your fighter
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.