My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
listen closely
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Previously On Persistence 😎
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.