Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@DrakeGatsby

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

@Midgetspar

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

@SwoleOctopus

[being murdered]

me: tell my gf i love her

murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me

me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Jjkinky49Jeff

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

@Sickayduh

My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.

@WilliamAder

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

@TheRealPalMal

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.