@YSK_MOtiVe

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

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@batkaren

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

@VaChina1

Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight

@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@jctwritesstuff

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

@ThatBrenna

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

@AngryRaccoon2

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.