Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[being murdered]
me: tell my gf i love her
murderer: *removes mask to reveal it’s my gf* awww, you love me
me: *dying breath* i…think..we…should…see…other.. people..
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
My girlfriend has twin 3yo girls. They each have a sippy cup with their names on them. When she’s not looking, I switch the cups.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.