—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.