My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
watergate? u mean a dam??
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.