wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.