Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
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A fake ID that makes you younger
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I beg your pardon?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.