@FindusPancake

My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”

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@dlicj

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@lovemydogduck

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

@TheIronSherk

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

@Tmoney68

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

@AdamUrbane

If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.

@Adar79Angie

If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.

@brunopieroni

Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@Shade510

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.