My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”

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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.


INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?


Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]


Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”


I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.


[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse


My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.


I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”


Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight


I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.