@SlothSlouch

My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”

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@kelkulus

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

@T_N_Crumpets

Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@FakeDeanAccount

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

@robots_feel

[guy who’s about to invent parties]

*drinking alone* i wish this was worse

@Parkerlawyer

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@victt0ri

Idea for an app:

it’s basically Tinder, but for people that want to fight

@HomeWithPeanut

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.