My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Every time my phone rings
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same