*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
You Might Also Like
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
2022 will be better than 2021
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of