My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You Might Also Like
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I was bored.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
WTF IS THAT!