Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.