My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
smartest karate player in the world
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.