@LeonEarlgrey

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

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@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

@Try2StopME

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

@NotARatsAss

Make sure to stand in the middle of group photos. It will be harder to crop you out later.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@robin_991

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade