@LeonEarlgrey

My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.

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@RealPrincessKim

Find a group doing river baptisms. Release LSD into the water upstream. Bring friends in devil costumes. Cavort and frolic on the riverbank.

@HumanPog

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

@mister_blank

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

@LizHackett

Every evening from 7 to 8 PM, my neighbor’s child practices piano with what sounds like her face.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don’t get too excited

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@wolfpupy

i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass

@mjkspeaks

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking