My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
This dude got his own movie?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?