“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You Might Also Like
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.