“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.