“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.