MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me driving through Toronto
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM