Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
and my snacks…
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If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Wife: What would you do if I died?
Husband: I would go crazy
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Husband: Ah, not that crazy..
Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”
Me after my 2nd Scotch…
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion