@sass_n_ass

My neck,
My back,
My Netflix
and my snacks…

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@ItsAndyRyan

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

@Jaywoo74

If you don’t think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you’re probably the boss

@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@Storminika

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

@TheAndrewNadeau

GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.

@qwertying

Wife: What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy

Wife: Would you re-marry?

Husband: Ah, not that crazy..

@DC_Draino

Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”

Me after my 2nd Scotch…

@YuckyTom

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion