My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
multitasking lunch
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE