Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.