@mydanimarie

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

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@miss_foofoo

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

@rolldiggity

Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.

@TyWebb1980

I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.

@blade_funner

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

@ShesARealGenius

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

@Megatronic13

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

@ohen39

[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one

@Shira

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@Maxine12333

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.