MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?