MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….