My neck, my back, my…
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Seems kinda suspicious