San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
You Might Also Like
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.