@MisterWarr

My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.

My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.

- @MisterWarr

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@TheMichaelRock

If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.

@TuSoonShakur

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

@electrolemon

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

@DropsNoPanties

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

@MarfSalvador

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

@ClichedOut

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.