My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.

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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.


My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings


I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?


One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm


Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.


Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.


Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call


[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.


My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.


When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened