I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.
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My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings
I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.
Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.
But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened