@MisterWarr

My neck tattoos are so big the three people after me don’t get hired either.

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

@CackleClub

My right eye wouldn’t stop weeping all day until I said BE A MAN YOU FREAK and now it’s just drinking beer to hide it’s feelings

@SuburbanSleuth

I want a family beach vacation. Hubby wants a family ski vacation.

Hubby showing kids video of tsunamis.

But 2 can play. Avalanche anyone?

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@alispagnola

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

@NateMorrising

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

@junejuly12

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

@sigridellis

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

@Mikecanrant

When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put “lame shorts” and nothing happened