Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?