My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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True.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
That’s not how days work.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
So, can we agree on 4 or
Perfect
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
That was easy.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.