My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.