My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
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Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
what day is it?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters