This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
plant them where lol
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit