My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
You Might Also Like
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.