ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
You Might Also Like
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I don’t delete annoying people out of my phone. I give them new names so I know not to answer.
“Always needs a favor” is calling, decline.
I knock some sense into people with a hammer.
Doctor: *looking at chart* You need to go for walks more
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and buy more treats
Doctor: *still looking at chart* and leave the toilet seat up
Me: Wait! You’re my dog in a lab coat!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?
CAR: Well, I’m very driven