Never name drop…
Sandy Bullock taught me this.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
You Might Also Like
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
*duck waddles into bar
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: Are you mad at me?