Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you