@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

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@ABurgerADay

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

@CoreyNotKori

My handwriting has slowly morphed from cheerleader to serial killer to elephant with a paint brush.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

@Sal_Stevens

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

@buriedwithkids

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@nbadag

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

@DrakeGatsby

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

@MarcusTheToken

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

@Gupton68

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you