my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My god she’s good.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Growing out my freckles.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?