My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

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It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.


corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn


My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.


If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.


Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.


What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??


If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results


ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what


Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy