Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1