@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

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@LePetitOiseau_L

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

@bIondiewasabi

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

@Tmoney68

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

@deardilettante

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.

@robfee

What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??

@rutesperanza

If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results

@rockymomax

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

@Smooheed

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy