My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

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Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.


If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?


wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing


The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.


[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok


*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*


Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*


A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?


The “I got your nose” game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she’ll call security.