My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.