DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Anime is real
Aaaa…CHOO!
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Happens to everyone.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it