You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
We’ve all been there
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*