@SaltyCorpse

My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.

At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.

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@jonnysun

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

@WhaJoTalkinBout

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

@LurkAtHomeMom

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

@ThisOneSayz

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

@sophielou

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

@thenatewolf

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@xysist

[ Spelling bee ]

Your word is Harry Potter

Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!

@squirrel74wkgn

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

?????[ponytail appears]