My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.

He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.


They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.


Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!


Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff


What do we want?


When do we want them?



There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.


Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.


[home alone]

murderer: [creeping up behind me]

me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!

murderer: [pauses] what kind?


You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.