@RunOldMan

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

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@perfect_boxx

Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.

@missekay

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

@ClichedOut

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

@Spaziotwat

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

@LittleMissAngr1

I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.

@zachraffio

– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons

@DanMentos

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.