My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

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I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.


Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.


[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME


My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.


My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.


Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*


After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.


I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.