@RunOldMan

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

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@AimeeHelene1

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

@MazMHussain

Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.

@GrantTanaka

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

@AnitaAlibi

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

@T_Bonezzz_

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

@smithsara79

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

@kashanacauley

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.