I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I’m shocked by your behavior.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My night was going great until a neighbor flew their drone over my property. So I grabbed my shotgun and yelled, “Pull!”
Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel