My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Hey i am sexy to you now
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.