@Alex_Houseof308

My neighbor hates preparing food for his horses with his son, coz the boy always finds ways to mess things up.

So instead, he’ll ask the boy to polish his shoes to keep him busy, and then he’ll hurry to the stables to work. He makes hay while the son shines

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@princess_snide

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

@yoyoha

Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household

@PinkCamoTO

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@canadasandra

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

@Just__J0

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

@SimplyRetard

“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”

@LuckoftheDraw86

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*