Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK